| | | | Hello, Dum-Dums.
Tonight, I come to you with an important announcement. I'm leaving Gnomz.
OK, I'm back. Any calls for me while I was out?
I'm glad to see so many of you back tonight for more abuse. Last time we were together you lined up and I gave you all a big Three Stooges bitch slap.
Please stick around after the roast, Gnomz will be auctioning off all the fixtures.
Things have changed a lot here. I remember when I joined, I was the only one who could write in English. Wait, that's still true.
How about a big hand for the Roastmaster-Gene ral, mdickson20? He's the man who put the extra "e" into "persue".
I found out today that I've been mispronouncing his name. Turns out the "m" and the "son20" are silent. So he's just dick, for short. Certainly not for long.
In the past, I have compared mdickson and his idiot brothers unfavorably to the Marx Bros. and the Howard Bros. That was unfair. They're really more like the Ritz Bros. Nobody knows who they are and nobody gives a fuck.
And, gee, what a good idea it was to let headsmak and batexploady in. We all know they're here only because they're riding mdickson20's coattails. And when I say "riding his coattails" I mean analingus.
Who ARE these guys, anyhow? Do they play on Gnomz?
Where's your batsmak NOW, see? Where's your batsmak NOOOWW?
There are two ways to do a roast on Gnomz. The first way is to do painstaking research, poring over everyone's comics, blogs, and forum posts for the last two and a half years, searching for keys to each person's character and coming up with new, unique punchlines for all. The lazy way is to just do fat jokes about heartagram_666.
You know, heartagram_666 is so fat, when he sits around the house, he really sits AROUND THE HOUSE. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
But I think heartagram_666 is very brave to have a screen name that includes his weight. As I was just saying to cheguevara6lbs_8 oz.
che thinks he's gangsta. Yeah right. che couldn't be gangsta in a bad production of "Bugsy Malone" at a Lilliputian kindergarten for the blind on Opposite Day.
pulse-- have yourself tased.
sir_sweet is here tonight. He's the best thing to come out of the Dominican Republic since AIDS and the Dirty Sanchez.
Seriously -- give Allegria her bicycle back. And have yourself deported.
Speaking of deported, I'm glad Entropic_Catalys t is here tonight. He's pretty busy right now with moving back to the US and A. Do you have any idea how long it takes to tranquilize him, put him into a straightjacket, fit him with a mask so he doesn't bite anybody, and wheel him here on a dolly?
You must have some great job, though, Entropic, that allows you to live all over the world. What do they call that job again? Oh yeah, "hobo".
Since he's been out of the country, I asked him if he'd heard about the disaster in Utah several weeks ago. He said, "What's the big deal? Right now in my basement dungeon, I've trapped six minors."
Entropic is the brains of the Gnomz organization. That'll give you some idea of the organization.
And notice Entropic is just getting into machinima now that iClone has released its Roman Centurion package. Do you really think it's coincidental that he only starts doing it when he can make movies about gladiators?
Entropic, you're nothing but a one-trick pony fellater. That's right, I said it. You love a horse.
Did you know Entropic is tri-lingual? It's true. If you don't know what "tri-lingual" means, break it down into the root words from which it is derived: "tri", Latin for "three"; "lingual", Latin for "tongues". So he has three tongues-- no waiting.
If you don't know what Entropic looks like, you can check out his mugshot at www.thesmokin...
And what can I say about insertnamehere.. . not much. Even his name is generic. There's nothing to work with there. It's like trying to tittyfuck Allegria.
Which brings us to the girl, I mean young woman *coughsixtytwoye aroldmancough* of the hour-- Allegria. Is that a screen name, or a sinus medication? Ask your doctor or pharmacist if Allegria is right for you.
Allegria is a Golden Gnomz. But then again, so is Rednecks, which somehow cheapens it. I guess they give them out to everybody now. Except The_Achiever. Because he sucks.
But all seriousness aside, Allegria, I love your blog. It reminds me of the time my dog, Hershey, ate a two-pound bag of Skittles™ and upchucked.
Let me ask you something-- does your family have any history of sanity?
I don't know if anybody heard this, but Allegria was suspended from school for smoking Blunts. James and his dad.
I'm surprised you're here tonight. I thought you'd be locked in your bedroom listening to the new James Blunt CD and touching yourself. Someone has to. You're flatter than a crepe in zero gravity that's been run over with a steamroller driven by heartagram_666.
I'm kidding, some people would touch her even without the proverbial ten-foot pole. Why just last week, vaderdk421 wanted to have anal sex with her, but she couldn't find her strapon. I think she lost it inside flint's pants.
flint is NOT here tonight. flint IS here? flint is not here. Hahahaha. He's busy burying this MetaBD under 600 "Bill Tracker" comics. flint is like herpes. You can't get rid of him, but you can control annoying flare-ups.
Speaking of vaderdk, Allegria, how does it feel to be valued less than a dumbass video game?
Allegria is so perfectly flat, British scientists use her chest to calibrate their instruments.
Her dress size is Zero. Same as her bust.
Her cup size is "A", but in lower-case.
Her cup size is A flat.
Her cup size is A minor.
Look, Entropic just perked up a little bit when I said "A minor".
But Allegria's smart. You won't see any "F's" in her transcript. Or, for that matter, her sweater.
Forget about D cups, or C cups, or B cups. You'll be lucky to have teacups. Or eyecups.
Maybe you can get mdickson20 to give you an infection. I hear yeast makes things rise.
For God's sake, buy your mom a board so she doesn't have to iron your dad's pants on your chest. And isn't he supposed to first get out of those pants? Or just use the board in your Hope Chest. And Hope you get a Chest.
But I love Allegria. I'm the only one who went down to see Allegria. vader's never seen her. mdickson's never seen her. DON'T SAY-- I know her. I went down there. I held a baby gorilla. | | |   | |
| | |
|
Home
Create a comic
Comics
Forums
Blogz
Members
Help
Chocolate chunks...
Le blogz de Trelkax
PINK KARIBOU
Mouse On Mars
Moi
114 pts / 13 Votes - 9 comments
Note :
Buisson_touffu