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Previous days

The Last of Dick Cheney

by grouchobeer
10/10 40 pts / 4 Votes - 1 comments
Wow, Dick. I can't believe
McCain picked you to be
his running mate.
He's not the only guy to
sell his soul to the devil.

This calls for a celebration.
How about a microwaved
burrito?
No, wait, Dubya, not
the microwave--

And now for the lighter side
of the news. Today, Dick
Cheney took a heart attack
and died at the White House
when Dubya nuked a burrito.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
Joining me now is
Senator Arlen Specter,
chairman of the committee
looking into Cheney's death.
Your thoughts?
I knew Dick Cheney.
He could never have
been killed by one
burrito. What was
this, some kind of
"Magic Burrito"? I
have a theory-- I
believe there was
a second burrito
on the grassy knoll...

... So anyways, John,
I figgered tomorrow
at Dick's memorial
service at the National
Cathedral, with news
cameras up the wazoo,
would be the perfect
time for me to name
your new running mate.
(sigh)
I'm five years older than
he was. Who would have
ever thought he would
predecease me?

Uh, I did.
Excuse me?

I had him in the office death pool.
Won twenty bucks.

All day long, I've been
searching for a word
to describe Vice-President
Richard Bruce "Big Dick"
Cheney.
I bet it's "fuckhead".
It'll bring the house
down! (LAUGHTER)

And now it gives me great
pleasure to introduced
John McCain's new
running mate.
OOOOH!!!
OOOOH!!!
PICK ME!!

Siddown and shuddup, Arlen.
John McCain's running mate
is a man whose political
career was in the shitter until,
like a phoenix, it arose from
the ashes of 9/11. It is my
distinct pleasure to introduce
my favorite person of all time--
Thank you Dubya,
and I accept this
nomination--

Not you, Giuliani.
I'mo be McCain's
running mate.
WHAT???

You ain't the only guy
to sell your soul to
the devil.
But that's unprecedented!

You bet it's unprecedented.
The whole country's been
unprecedented for the last
eight years.

Dubya? YOU'RE running
for Vice-President?
That's right, Laura.

You realize, don't you,
that Dick did YOUR job
for the last eight years?
Usually, the veep sits
around waiting for the
president to die. He
does NOTHING.
What, you think I
can't handle that?

No, I think you're
OVERQUALIFIED.
When's the burial?
Ain't gonna be no burial, Laura.
Dick's been frozen.

WHAT???
Well, that's what he wanted.
To go to one of those,
whaddyacallem,
cryptofascist places.

Evenin', Ralph.
Evenin', Frank.
What's new?
Meanwhile, at Cryptofascistco, Columbia, MD...
Not much. Got some
new meat in the icebox.
Boy, I love the slang
of this profession.
Think I'll be able to
grab forty winks?

I don't see why not.
The only thing that
could go wrong is
if the power AND
the backup generators
fail.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA!
What are the odds of that?

Several hours later...
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!
NOW what...?

Listen, John, I been thinkin'.
I don't wanna be your
running mate...
Oh, thank goodness,
because I sort of
promised Mitt--

You can be MY running mate.
I'mo take the top slot.
You can't run for
a third term!

Says who?
The Constitution of the
United States of America.


BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
YOU HAD ME GOIN'
THERE! JUST FOR A
SECOND!

Must... thaw... out...
Must... find... Turkish... bath...
Meanwhile...
Well, I guess I should hit the hay.
This thinkin' is hard work.
I musta pulled a muscle.

Got any chapstick?
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
THE ICEMAN COMETH!
...Dick? Is that you?

No, it's Walt Fucking Disney.
OF COURSE IT'S ME, DUMBASS!!!
Are you ok?

Sure, I mean, I died, and
when I came back to life
I was frozen in a cryogenic
chamber and the power
failed and I managed to
escape, and I'm still
half-frozen, but I'm ok.
Awesome.

OF COURSE I'M NOT OK,
YOU FUCKING NITWIT!!
WHOSE DICK DO I
HAVE TO SUCK AROUND
HERE TO GET AN IRISH
COFFEE?
Comin' right up.

...I'm back
on the ticket.
Hey, that's great!
Reminds me of
old times!!!
Dick & Dubya--
together again!
Just like Dumb &
Dumberer!
Only thing is, it's
gonna break McCain's
tiny, flinty li'l heart.
I don't know how
to tell him.

I already did.
Yeah? How did he react to the
news that you and I are
running again?

Who said anything about you?

Shit, this Irish coffee
is ice cold.
Here, lemme nuke it for ya.

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NoteNote :   
1. 13.09.08 at 18:58 |Clochard.10/10
Clochard.
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