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Chronicles of Mammon: Multicultural Offensive

by thecaptainofo

60 pts / 8 Votes - 1 comments


	Hello. This is the Captain speaking. I apologise for this interruption of your daily broadcast.


	It has come to my attention by avid readers on gnomz.com that the series 'Chronicles of Mammon' has a very heavy anti-Xtian subtext behind its mockery and satire, and for this I personally wish to apologise for the one-sidedness of the series.


	In order to rectify this situation, I present to you 'Chronicles of Mammon', set in the parallel universe that is Earth-Islam. Enjoy.


	Your holiness!


	Shhh! Cannot you see that I, the Grand Caliph Usman Ibn Aladen, am busy with my new invention?

Fortress Baghdad:


	It is a phosphate-based drink that would quench the thirst of the desert djinns themselves! I think I'll call it Zam Zam Cola, for the holy waters that replenished our ancestors Ibrahim, Yakub and Ishak! This will make me even richer than I already am! Hahahahaha..


	ahem Yes, salam, Ghazali my holy warrior guardsman. Are you here to be telling me of your continuing Quranic studies, hmm yes?


	Yes your word of godfullness! I have been studying over the Quranic texts as revealed to the Prophet himself, and I was wondering if you could help me with some of these passages..


	Continue, by all means with the blessing of the All-Father's wisdom.


	I've been particularly interested in the 4th Sura of the Middle Medina - 175 verses, which is particularly about the role of women in Muslim society..


	Ah yes! Bismillah i-rahman ih-rahim! Such beautiful and easy-listening verse, such poetic prose, I remember! Pray tell do continue young devout follower!


	Well, it's like this. In the 3rd verse it justifies having 4 wives (though admittedly treats them fairly over property rights and ownership) and in the 28th verse it says adultery (that's hokey pokey with married women) is strictly FORBIDDEN. Except in instances with slave women, be they infidels, prisoners, etc.


	Mm yes do go on.


	Well, the Caliphate is now in the grand illustrious year of 2051 after the defeat of the great Satanic Empire, but yet when we reflect upon these suras, they seem pretty.. archaic. I mean come on, nobody but the richest of the rich these days has 4 wives, do they?


	Or many beautiful American female amazon slaves captured during the victory of the 3rd Afghanistani war, I shall remind you. But I understand your perplexity, so I shall explain..


	Alhamdullilah, for the great Prophet with his revelations, you must understand was a great reformer of his time, just like the Prophets Musa & Issa in their time!


	Before then men could have an infinite number of wives! With the revelations given to the Prophet, a stricter but more compromisingly flexible set of rules and customs could unite and govern the disparate factions of the Arabian world of the time! And women ended up being treated a lot better with his proto-feminist sentiments! Truly, he is a reformist liberal who is attempting to touch the inner soul to achive salvation with the Highest of High, the All-Father!


	O.k, that from my years of study of the Quran, my observations of the law of the syariah and of the holy ramadan, I don't just believe.. I KNOW what you just said to be true... But..


	[b]BUT?


	.... why is it the most strictest and literal Quranic interpretations are observed by the two extremes of the social pyramid, the dispossessed unsatisfied disgruntled poor and the filthily extravangantly vulgar rich in order to advance their agendas by means of fundamentalism, an overt attachment to self-sacrifice, the treatment of women as little more than chattel, and the justification of walking over unbelievers (even though there are contradictory texts explaining that unbelievers are to be treated with dignity, fairness, and respect)..


	Doesn't it strike you as being a bit hypocritical, and more than many a step backwards as opposed to the forward-thinking revolutionary nature of Islam as it was first started out to be?


	HOLA SENOR BLASPHEMER! WELCOME TO THE AL-ANDALUS RE-EDUCATION JIHADI! TIME FOR YOUR SECOND 'CIRCUMCISION'! BRING IN THE CHAINSAW!


	sigh


	Join us next time for more multicultural interfaith mockery as we next travel to Earth-Goy where we hear these words:


	Shalom, welcome to the Arches of Gold! Please place your order.


	I'd like some pan-fried rabbit with seared oysters for starters. Then grill me up a hyrax burger with extra bacon. Oh! And a prawn cocktail salad. Make it snappy! Oy!